Day 16

As I said in my post before Ash Wednesday, I did not grow up in a faith tradition that observed Lent. I had always considered Lent a "Catholic" thing that had something to do with giving up something and not eating meat.

As my horizons have broadened over the years, I have come to a better appreciation of the liturgical year - or rather, of the liturgical rhythm of the Church. Still, over these past couple of weeks, I have struggled with just what this season really means for me.

My church community decided to give up suffering and sacrifice and turn Lent upside-down by devoting the entire season to celebration. That struck me as a little odd, even though the past two weekends have been huge celebrations (the wedding and 75th birthday) for my family. So, that has only confused me even more about the significance of this season.

Also, as I said in that same first post, I have been really struggling over a decision. This is not a huge life decision (like moving or leaving my wife or anything like that), but it will affect how I spend my days. It has been very hard and has become quite the unhealthy obsession, with constant "what-ifs" and lists of pros and cons filling my thoughts. But tonight, as I sat outside in the cool air, listening to the waterfall gurgle and watching a lone candle burn, I believe I reached a resolution.

It's the decision I have always known was coming, but just couldn't fully bring myself to the final point. But as I formulated what I would say and how I would say it, I did feel some level of inner peace about it. It was very brief, though, as my mind quickly went back to its mental gymnastics. But, it was there nonetheless. I think part of the peace came as I realized (again) that I need to make some confessions and ask for forgiveness along the way. So assuming I don't chicken out before tomorrow morning, my decision will be public. Once I've talked with a few people, I will post some details here about it.

I'm still not sure yet what Lent means for me this year. But, as usual, Nouwen has put words to the meaning of Lent that is meaningful for me. This quote is from Sabbatical Journey:

Lent is a time of returning to God.

It is a time to confess how we keep looking for joy, peace, and satisfaction in the many people and things surrounding us, without really finding what we desire.

Only God can give us what we want.

So we must be reconciled with God, as Paul says, and let that reconciliation be the basis of our relationships with others.

Lent is a time of refocusing,
of re-entering the place of truth,
of reclaiming our true identity.

Amen.