My father's death

Two weeks ago today, my dad died in ICU at a local hospital. I feel like I'm just now starting to come out of a dense fog. It all happened so fast, and yet it seems like it was months ago. He went to see his doctor on Tuesday, December 2, with difficulty breathing. His doctor thought it might be the beginning of pneumonia so he admitting him that afternoon. Two nights later in his room, his heart rate dropped so low that they intubated him and moved him to ICU. The next day, Friday, we learned that he had non-operable, 4th stage lung cancer. He was on a breathing machine, and the doctors were becoming more convinced that he would not be able to breathe on his own. After a long weekend wondering what to do next, with Dad sedated almost the entire time, we decided to get him awake enough so we could talk with him and ask him what he wanted to do. As we thought, he did not want to be on the machine, and knowing what that would mean, he asked to come off. He died peacefully in his sleep twelve hours later on December 9th, with four of us around him. I was holding his right hand when he took his last breath.

It was all very surreal. And looking back on it all, I couldn't ask for it to have happened any other way. He didn't suffer. He didn't linger in pain. We always thought he would die from a massive heart attack (his first heart attack was in 1985), but his heart was strong all the way to the end. Family came in from out of town, and everyone had a chance to see him and say goodbye. And Mom is doing ok, too. She's keeping busy, with good days and bad days.

This was my first big loss, and already I'm seeing things differently. The death of a close, loved one has a way of putting everything else in perspective. I'm so thankful for God's peace and mercy through it all. And all the prayers from friends and family were heard and deeply felt by all of us.

Dad's passing was far from an ordinary moment in life, but it was a necessary part of life. There have been plenty of ordinary moments since December 9th, though. Watching the raindrops hit the puddles on the patio. Seeing the happy little kid running through the parking lot at the mall. Working yesterday with few distractions. Decorating the tree. Eating free bagels last night. All of these ordinary moments seem a lot more vivid now.

So, I'm reflecting a lot on life and rethinking a lot of things. If you don't see anything posted here for a while - maybe a long while - that means I'm also rethinking this whole blogging thing. My Google Reader shows 311 unread posts, but none of them seem very important right now. And a lot of what I've written in the past seems pretty unimportant, too. I'm sure I'll come out of the fog more as time passes, but for now, I'm content to spend time with my family, pray, and try to watch for how God is working around me.

Until then...