My father's death

Two weeks ago today, my dad died in ICU at a local hospital. I feel like I'm just now starting to come out of a dense fog. It all happened so fast, and yet it seems like it was months ago. He went to see his doctor on Tuesday, December 2, with difficulty breathing. His doctor thought it might be the beginning of pneumonia so he admitting him that afternoon. Two nights later in his room, his heart rate dropped so low that they intubated him and moved him to ICU. The next day, Friday, we learned that he had non-operable, 4th stage lung cancer. He was on a breathing machine, and the doctors were becoming more convinced that he would not be able to breathe on his own. After a long weekend wondering what to do next, with Dad sedated almost the entire time, we decided to get him awake enough so we could talk with him and ask him what he wanted to do. As we thought, he did not want to be on the machine, and knowing what that would mean, he asked to come off. He died peacefully in his sleep twelve hours later on December 9th, with four of us around him. I was holding his right hand when he took his last breath.

It was all very surreal. And looking back on it all, I couldn't ask for it to have happened any other way. He didn't suffer. He didn't linger in pain. We always thought he would die from a massive heart attack (his first heart attack was in 1985), but his heart was strong all the way to the end. Family came in from out of town, and everyone had a chance to see him and say goodbye. And Mom is doing ok, too. She's keeping busy, with good days and bad days.

This was my first big loss, and already I'm seeing things differently. The death of a close, loved one has a way of putting everything else in perspective. I'm so thankful for God's peace and mercy through it all. And all the prayers from friends and family were heard and deeply felt by all of us.

Dad's passing was far from an ordinary moment in life, but it was a necessary part of life. There have been plenty of ordinary moments since December 9th, though. Watching the raindrops hit the puddles on the patio. Seeing the happy little kid running through the parking lot at the mall. Working yesterday with few distractions. Decorating the tree. Eating free bagels last night. All of these ordinary moments seem a lot more vivid now.

So, I'm reflecting a lot on life and rethinking a lot of things. If you don't see anything posted here for a while - maybe a long while - that means I'm also rethinking this whole blogging thing. My Google Reader shows 311 unread posts, but none of them seem very important right now. And a lot of what I've written in the past seems pretty unimportant, too. I'm sure I'll come out of the fog more as time passes, but for now, I'm content to spend time with my family, pray, and try to watch for how God is working around me.

Until then...

Giving thanks

There is much to be thankful for in life. And on this day of feasting and celebration, a few big things rise to the top. Today, I am very thankful for:

• God - my Creator and Redeemer without whom I am nothing
  
• My family - without them I would be lost and empty
• My friends - they shape me, mold me, and make me better in ways I never imagine
  
• My health - my annual physical last week showed I was "completely normal" - despite what my kids say about me!

So those are the big ones, but there are some others that are little more "immediate" which deserve mention:

• Rain last night - a nice and rare November thunderstorm overnight was the first significant rain we've had in months
• Sunshine this morning - there are still drops of rain on the plants glistening in the sunlight

And last but certainly not least, I am very thankful for:

• Progress on my paper - after two full days, I'm about 75% finished! Hallelujah!
  

May your day be filled with joy, great food, and thanks to God who makes it all possible!

It's official: I'm old(er)

I made a purchase yesterday.
One of those milestone purchases.
One of those things that comes with an increase in age.

It was driven by one of the things I love to do. Yet, I have been resistant for some time. Today I purchased three more. Just so I can have one in multiple places when needed. And, they work.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Reading glasses.

1.25 power.

They help. Alot.

So, it's official. I'm old(er).

There, I said it.

Still here

My son mentioned tonight that I hadn't written anything for a while. He said that if he didn't know better, he would think that maybe something was wrong. But since he sees me every day, he knows I'm ok.

So, just in case you don't see me every day, I'm ok. I just haven't had much to say lately.

No biggie.
Just chillaxing.

How's it going for you?

Two down, one to go!

Yay! My wife and daughter are back home! Robert comes home tomorrow night, and then all will be right again in our house. I think Lilly missed them more than I did:

Random thoughts on Friday

I'm at my local Bruegger's where I just finished a Very Veggie and Cheddar, with bacon (of course), on a toasted everything bagel. My tummy is very happy...

• I'm missing my family - a lot! Kim and Carolyn come home tomorrow night, Robert on Monday night. It's not soon enough.
• It's very hot today (whine, whine)
• This morning I fixed a broken section of roof tile on our house. That was a first. We'll see how it holds when the next storm hits.
• My car needs to be washed, but it's too hot (whine, whine)
• Can't wait to see the new Batman movie. I have to wait for Robert, though.
• Heard about a new Terminator movie (thanks, Jeremy!). Christian Bale is on a roll.
• Just finished re-reading Nouwen's short The Way of the Heart. Solitude, silence, and prayer - practices learned from the Desert Fathers and Mothers applied to contemporary ministry. Beautiful...
• I missed my walk this morning, because I was working on the roof - and it was hot (whine, whine)...maybe tonight...
  

So many blogs, so little time

I just spent the last hour and a half "cleaning up" my Google reader page where I had nearly 200 unread posts from my subscribed feeds.

Hmmm... that seems a little much, don't you think?

I'd love to have more time where I could read all of these, but that's just too much. So, I've trimmed my feeds and will try to do better at reading a little each day instead of a lot on one day of the week. Maybe I'll be more successful with that strategy. And how do some of these people have the time to write as much as they do? I mean, that's great for readers, but, truly, how do they do it? They have obviously been through some incredibly successful time management program about which I know nothing! Oh well, I better check my page again. There's probably 2 or 3 new posts since I've been writing this...

22 years of marriage

Yesterday was a great day. After sleeping in until 9:00 (unheard of), I got up, made breakfast for the kids, and then Carolyn and I went shopping for several hours. I needed to pick up a few things before our trip this week. We had just the best time. I love days like that with her. If the day had ended then, it would have been a great day. But to top it off, Kim and I went to dinner with some friends to celebrate her graduation and 22 years of marriage. We had such a good time at Blanco Tacos and Tequila, enjoying - what else? - tacos and tequila. A little Starbucks on the way home, a little conversation on the patio, and the day ended in near perfection. It doesn't get any better than that, and my heart is filled with gratitude and joy.

A beautiful Sunday morning

It's hard to believe that today is the first day of June. Hard to believe, because, it really has not been hot (yet). We had an unbelievably spring-like May, and even on my walk this morning, the air was cool. No complaints...because I know it's coming. Maybe it will wait until we leave for vacation before it really arrives.

Random thoughts this morning:

• Greek final is Tuesday night - lots of studying still ahead
• Had a wonderful dinner last night with my fellow Greek students at our instructor's home - I'm going to miss them all...
• Thinking about spiritual practices a lot lately - my lack of them and my goals to turn that around this summer (watch for more on that)
• Solar spotlights on our water fall in the backyard are nice and bright - solar is getting better every day!
• We leave for our cruise in 10 days!
  

She made it!

Oh happy day! Carolyn managed to pull her grades up enough to not be grounded for the summer! I'm so happy - for all of us! But especially her, because she worked really hard these past few days and it paid off for her. (heavy sigh of relief...)

Greeked out

Last night I finished translating 1 John 1-3. Whew! It was a busy, Greeked out weekend, let me tell ya! Now I need to get to that exegetical paper of 1 John 3:11-18. I hope to finish that this weekend while we're in the mountains for Memorial Day, and then all that's left is studying for the final exam on June 3rd. When I have a little more time, I'll post my translation of 1 John 1-3.

Other random thoughts on a Monday night:

• My new Dell Vostro 1400 laptop is awesome!
• Carolyn has two more days to pull up her grades...
• Today was our summer icebreaker - it reached 103 today (and so it begins)
  
• I can't wait for this weekend in Pinetop!
• My allergies were horrible today
• My 2003 Mazda Protege 5 is about to pass the 100,000 mile mark (and last week I got 33mpg)
  
• Interesting words here from Alice Cooper
  

Graduation!

The graduate and the proud family!

Whew! It's all over!

Kim's last day at UofA

Today is my wife's last day as a student at UofA! She takes her last final this afternoon, and then she will have finished her degree. Tomorrow is graduation, and then...a free summer before graduate school!

I'm so proud of her. She has worked very hard and done so well. I know today will be bittersweet, since she has really enjoyed these last two years but is also certainly happy to be finishing. I know she will enjoy walking on campus today, taking the final, and treating herself to some chocolate afterwards! There will likely be a little water around the eyes and a skip in her step. I can't wait to hear about it tonight when I get home...

Choices

I've said many times that I feel like my kids teach me a lot about God. Tonight, I'm learning about choices. My daughter continues to make what I consider bad choices, mainly about how she spends her time. She has eight school days left to bring one of her grades up to a previously established, acceptable level. If she does not, she will be grounded for the entire summer. Yeah. The entire summer. Not exactly how a 13-year-old wants to spend a summer. And she has known this for several weeks. And she has yet to even start her homework tonight. (You'll just have to trust me that we are not being overly harsh or demanding parents. This simply has been an issue for far too long.)

It's 9:45pm.

And my heart is breaking. Kim and I have both talked to her tonight, but she refuses to hear us. With four assignments due tomorrow and a test in the class in question, this may be her last chance. So now I have to start preparing for that conversation that I don't think she believes will occur - the one that goes something like this: "You had your chances and you choose poorly. You are grounded for the summer." She'll be mad. And I'll be sad. She'll yell. I'll cry.

Is this what happens when we refuse to listen to God? When we make bad choices?

God, how many times have I made poor choices and then been mad at you? Have you cried over those decisions? How many times have I broken your heart by not listening to you? I'm so sorry.

Greek mid-term tonight

Tonight is our mid-term on participles, subjunctive mood, and translations. I had a good study session last night with Dan which helped. A few more flash card reviews over dinner will hopefully put me in a good mindset. Only 4 more class meetings after tonight! And I haven't started my exegetical paper yet...hmmm...

Other random thoughts this Tuesday morning:

• My wife graduates in 10 days!
• I'm taking the summer off from classes.
• I'm starting to think seriously (i.e., daydreaming) about our cruise vacation in June.
• Why are there so many choices of carpet?
• New couches arrive Friday.
• Carolyn is reading a book on her own.
• My new laptop is just a few days away.
• I'm trying to select summer reading material. Any suggestions?

A really great day

Today was a great day. It was my wife's last Friday as a University of Arizona undergraduate student, so I just had to go with her to the campus. Once there, we grabbed a quick breakfast at Starbucks, she went off to class, and I sat outside in the beautiful morning studying some Greek. When her classes finished, we headed off to do some long overdue furniture shopping. In between stores, we grabbed some lunch, and headed off to more stores.

It was really cool just to be with her all day, sitting on couches, reclining in recliners, laughing at prices, eating fresh-baked cookies at one of the stores, and then making a decision at the end of the day. There was no rushing, no stress, no worries of school or work or kids, just she and I enjoying the day and time with each other. It was wonderful...

Dove Mountain Hike

Robert, Taylor, and I went hiking this morning in the Dove Mountain area. We started out at the Wild Burro Trail Head, followed the Wild Burro trail for a while, took the Alamo Spring branch (by mistake), and ended up at the top of a small mountain. That was cool - but a little off-plan. We were initially going to take the Lower Javelina Loop, but somehow missed the trail marker for that one...

It was nice, a little warm, but nice. The only bad part was all of the bugs. We couldn't really find a good lunch spot (good = free of bugs), so we just waited until we got back to Taylor's house and ate on the patio looking up at where we had just hiked. Here are a few shots from the day:

Robert on a rock by a rather large saguaro

Taylor and Robert at the top of the small mountain

One of the 112 lizards we saw on the trail
(yes, Robert counted)

Ahhh sleep...

The world is so much brighter and clearer when you can sleep. Since my whining the other night at 3:04am, I have slept two nights with hardly any coughing! And this morning, for a couple of hours - are you ready - I even slept flat on my pillow! Yeah! Can you believe it?

I read once that sleeping each night is a little like dying. Not in a morbid way, but when we lay down, relax, and fall asleep, we are letting go of our alert state of being and surrendering ourselves into God's hands. Our bodies are at rest, and, in fact, much physical healing occurs when we sleep. Then, when we awake, it's a little like resurrection. Our bodies are refreshed (hopefully), and we have new energy and life to face what's ahead. I thought that was an interesting metaphor, but it makes some sense to me. I just wonder if when we die, will our life seem just like a dream? Will the next life be more real and alive than this one, so much so that this current life will seem like a distant memory? Even if it is, it's all we have right now. So we need to live it for all it's worth!

3:04am

Ok, I'm sitting in front of my laptop at 3:04am, coughing up a lung, tired, frustrated, eyes hurting, trying to be present in this "ordinary" moment of life.

It ain't working.

I just want to sleep. I just want to lay down and not cough. Just for a few hours. And I'm sure my wife would appreciate that as well. And the kids. And the dog. She stirred a little in her crate as I came downstairs, as if to say, "Don't come down here! I heard you loud and clear when you were up there!"

The neighbor's light just came on...I hope I didn't wake them...

I guess I'll try again to sleep...maybe it's back to the recliner...

Home again

Yesterday was a roaring success getting all of the new electronics hooked up for Mardie. Plus, we had another great dinner, this time at home with grilled shrimp, veggies, and crab legs. Yum! Flying home today in a beautifully clear sky over snow covered mountains was gorgeous. It didn't even feel that hot in Phoenix when we landed.

Now for reality...back to work tomorrow...