My father's death

Two weeks ago today, my dad died in ICU at a local hospital. I feel like I'm just now starting to come out of a dense fog. It all happened so fast, and yet it seems like it was months ago. He went to see his doctor on Tuesday, December 2, with difficulty breathing. His doctor thought it might be the beginning of pneumonia so he admitting him that afternoon. Two nights later in his room, his heart rate dropped so low that they intubated him and moved him to ICU. The next day, Friday, we learned that he had non-operable, 4th stage lung cancer. He was on a breathing machine, and the doctors were becoming more convinced that he would not be able to breathe on his own. After a long weekend wondering what to do next, with Dad sedated almost the entire time, we decided to get him awake enough so we could talk with him and ask him what he wanted to do. As we thought, he did not want to be on the machine, and knowing what that would mean, he asked to come off. He died peacefully in his sleep twelve hours later on December 9th, with four of us around him. I was holding his right hand when he took his last breath.

It was all very surreal. And looking back on it all, I couldn't ask for it to have happened any other way. He didn't suffer. He didn't linger in pain. We always thought he would die from a massive heart attack (his first heart attack was in 1985), but his heart was strong all the way to the end. Family came in from out of town, and everyone had a chance to see him and say goodbye. And Mom is doing ok, too. She's keeping busy, with good days and bad days.

This was my first big loss, and already I'm seeing things differently. The death of a close, loved one has a way of putting everything else in perspective. I'm so thankful for God's peace and mercy through it all. And all the prayers from friends and family were heard and deeply felt by all of us.

Dad's passing was far from an ordinary moment in life, but it was a necessary part of life. There have been plenty of ordinary moments since December 9th, though. Watching the raindrops hit the puddles on the patio. Seeing the happy little kid running through the parking lot at the mall. Working yesterday with few distractions. Decorating the tree. Eating free bagels last night. All of these ordinary moments seem a lot more vivid now.

So, I'm reflecting a lot on life and rethinking a lot of things. If you don't see anything posted here for a while - maybe a long while - that means I'm also rethinking this whole blogging thing. My Google Reader shows 311 unread posts, but none of them seem very important right now. And a lot of what I've written in the past seems pretty unimportant, too. I'm sure I'll come out of the fog more as time passes, but for now, I'm content to spend time with my family, pray, and try to watch for how God is working around me.

Until then...

First Sunday of Advent

Today begins the Advent season of anticipation and expectation of things to come. We have expectations that God will do something unexpected and wonderful in our midst. We anticipate this with hope and faith.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come.
Fill us with your Spirit.
Bring peace to our hearts and rest for our souls.
Amen.

Giving thanks

There is much to be thankful for in life. And on this day of feasting and celebration, a few big things rise to the top. Today, I am very thankful for:

• God - my Creator and Redeemer without whom I am nothing
  
• My family - without them I would be lost and empty
• My friends - they shape me, mold me, and make me better in ways I never imagine
  
• My health - my annual physical last week showed I was "completely normal" - despite what my kids say about me!

So those are the big ones, but there are some others that are little more "immediate" which deserve mention:

• Rain last night - a nice and rare November thunderstorm overnight was the first significant rain we've had in months
• Sunshine this morning - there are still drops of rain on the plants glistening in the sunlight

And last but certainly not least, I am very thankful for:

• Progress on my paper - after two full days, I'm about 75% finished! Hallelujah!
  

May your day be filled with joy, great food, and thanks to God who makes it all possible!

Tired and frustrated

The screen hasn't changed any from last Tuesday. My research paper is still "yet to come." And I'm tired. I got home late Thursday night (again) from working in LA (again). Had class on Friday night and Saturday morning. Went to the UofA football game Saturday night. Good game but Arizona lost it in the closing minutes. Bummer...


And then we had an important meeting after our church service this morning. With our continuing financial difficulties, our leadership team has proposed that we sell our campus. This was not a complete surprise, but it's real now. Several people asked good questions about what this will mean - and nobody really knows yet. In two weeks, we'll have the official vote on whether to move forward with selling. There is no buyer yet (not the best time to try to sell anything), but the location is pretty great. And you know what they say about real estate: location, location, location! So I don't expect we'll have much difficulty once we get serious about it.

Then what?

I don't really know. I've been a proponent for selling in the past. I hate the idea of those buildings (as with most other churches) sitting idle for most of the week. Seems like such a waste. But if this is just a move to continue to be an institutional church in a different location, then will it really be any different? Our two senior leaders talked this morning about the mentality of being a start-up. And there's validity in that. But I have to wonder if our core group is really a start-up core group. We were part of a church for a while that met in a movie theater. Setting up and tearing down every Sunday morning provided a good community-building opportunity. There was a lot of energy there. I haven't really felt that in our community in a long time. I guess time will tell...

So needless to say, I have some doubts. Certainly the sale will create a lot of startup capital. But what will be the plan to maximize that capital? Will we function differently as a startup in a school auditorium or a community center or a theater? How many more people will we lose as a result of this? How many will we gain? Is this truly the path God has set before us? So many questions...

Lots of memories there. My kids were baptized there. I taught my first Sunday there. My first ministry "job" was there. My wife worked there for 5 years. Even though philosophically I agree with selling a campus we can no longer afford to maintain, this will be yet another hard transition. My wife said this morning during the meeting, fighting back some tears, that we all need to remember that church is the people, not the buildings. I couldn't agree more, but it's still hard.

Ironic timing, too. The first Sunday of Advent is next Sunday. And again, we wait for God to do something remarkable in our midst.

The Dreaded Research Paper

Ok, so I've got this research paper to do for my Systematic Theology class.

Ugh.

I just cannot seem to get started.

My subject is Jurgen Moltmann's theology of the cross. I like Moltmann - I think. He strikes me as a practicing theologian, not just an academic sitting in a tower somewhere making bold theological statements.

But, man, I just cannot seem to get started.

I have an outline. I have articles. I have two of his books checked out from UofA's library.

And in the time it's taken me to get ready to write, my wife has finished like 4 papers! She's a stud. I'm a ... non-stud.

(heavy sigh)

Sorry, I just need to whine a little tonight.

Advent Conspiracy

Thanks to Brad Brisco at missionalchurchnetwork.com for letting us know about adventconspiracy.com.

Veteran's Day

Besides being a day to remember and reflect upon all of our nation's veterans, it's a personal thing for me. My dad is a vet (fortunately never really left a desk job), I know a lot of veterans and active military through my job, and my sister is an Army Lt. Col currently serving in San Antonio. She spent time "over there" a few years ago, setting up a hospital and caring for whoever came in the front door. I'm very proud of my sis and the service and sacrifices she's made for our country.

She came home and we'll be forever thankful for that. But I know there are plenty of other sisters and brothers, sons and daughters, wives and husbands who did not come home. And to them and their families, I pray for peace and comfort...

Arizona is going to a bowl!

See, I told you it could happen:

From the Arizona Star today:

A workmanlike win over a brutal Washington State team has assured the UA (6-3 overall, 4-2 Pac-10) of its first bowl game in a decade.

Per NCAA rules, teams must win at least half their games to qualify for the postseason. Arizona has done that and — thanks to UCLA's loss to Oregon State on Saturday — is guaranteed a spot in one of the conference's seven bowl games, even if the Cats don't win another contest this year.

Ok, but let's hope they win some more before the end of regular season...

Did you know I had a blog?

I must have forgotten because it's been over a month since I posted anything. Why? Good question. I'm not sure I have a great answer - or any answer at all. So instead of making something up, I'll just catch up some...

• School has been challenging - for all of us! Kim is barely keeping her head above water in her MSW program. You know, being a full-time graduate student has some appeal, until I watch her and see what she's going through. Wow. As I always say, she's super-mondo-buff-woman!

• For me, Systematic Theology 2 has been ... ummm ... well ... mostly dull and boring. We're covering a lot of history related to Christology, but good grief. Imagine what could have been done if all of the energy that has been spent on doctrinal debates and theological wrestling matches had been poured instead into loving God and loving our neighbors. Suffice it to say that I don't think I'll grow up to be a systematic theologian!

• Watching history being made last Tuesday night was pretty cool. Regardless of who voted for whom, the fact that our country elected Obama represents, I think, a huge step toward reconciliation in our country. And, from some of the stories coming out in the last day or two, this election and presidency has enormous potential for worldwide reconciliation. I pray that this is the beginning of something extraordinary...

• I'm still engaged in my spiritual practices of praying the hours (morning and evening, at least), not rushing, and walking/running. I've failed miserably, though, at maintaining any consistent study of Greek (the one practice I did not write about because it hasn't really been a practice at all!). Somehow, I need to figure out a way to make this happen...

• A great missional church resource was posted yesterday...wow there's a lot of stuff there.

• Arizona has a shot at a bowl game! No, really. It might happen. Just don't tell the team. They might choke...

Ok, back to homework. Thanks for reminding me that I had a blog...

The Forgotten Ways - Part 3

The second element of mDNA that Hirsch describes in The Forgotten Ways: Reactivating the Missional Church was a little surprising and unexpected for me, but it makes perfect sense. That element is disciple-making. Immediately behind the first element of being firmly centered on Christ (christocentric monotheism) is the focus on discipleship. Without this, everything else teeters on failure. In fact, Hirsch cites a painful story from his past about what happened in a previous church when they neglected discipleship.

According to Hirsch, one of the biggest obstacles to true discipleship is the consumer mentality prevalent in the Western world today. It has invaded all arenas of life, including the church. He writes,

Ninety percent or more of the people who attend our services are passive. In other words, they are consumptive. They are the passive recipients of the religious goods and services being delivered largely by professionals in a slick presentation and service. Just about everything we do in these somwhat standardized services and "box churchs," we do in order to attract more participants, and to do this we need to make the experience of church more convenient and comfortable. It is the ultimate religious version of one-stop shopping - hassle-free. But alas, all we are achieving by doing this is adding more fuel to the insatiable consumerist flame.

- Hirsch, 110.

These words sound a little harsh to me, and I'm guessing his 90% figure is a guess based on his experience and not hard data, but I think he is making a valid point in general.

I had a great conversation this past week with a friend about church gatherings. If "the church" is a missional community, or even a collective of missional communities, then what should gatherings look like or be about? Corporate worship, mutual encouragement, sharing, teaching? I think this is a big question for missional churches today. In other words, how can a missional church still gather together regularly (although not necessarily weekly) and yet keep the focus and emphasis on its mission and not the gathering? Because once the gathering becomes the focus, we are back in the attractional paradigm.

Hirsch would say (I think) that we must maintain an emphasis on discipleship - discipleship that follows the model that Jesus gave us. He continues by saying,

And this is exactly how Jesus does discipleship: he organizes it around mission. As soon as they are called, he takes the disciples on an adventurous journey of mission, ministry, and learning. Straightaway they are involved in proclaiming the kingdom of God, serving the poor, healing, and casting out demons. It is active and direct disciple making in the context of mission.

- Hirsch, 120

Hirsch is convinced we cannot disciple people or become disciples ourselves by passive listening and learning. We must be engaged in the process, actively working out what it means to follow Jesus as his disciples in everyday life. "I simply do not believe we can continue to try and think our way into a new way of acting, but rather, we need to act our way into a new way of thinking" (p. 122).

The Forgotten Ways - Part 2

A while back, I mentioned that I had started reading The Forgotten Ways: Reactivating the Missional Church by Alan Hirsch. Well, I'm finally getting back around to trying to finish it after many diversions over the past month or so. My neglect in finishing it certainly has nothing to do with the book - it's a phenomenal read. Which is why I wanted to say a little more about it here.

In section 2 (the main part of the book), Hirsch tackles in more detail what he believes is the engine behind some of the tremendous Jesus movements throughout history. Through his research, he has identified six elements that are common in these movements - what he calls the missionalDNA (mDNA) that is inherently present within the church. The full aggregation of mDNA composes what he calls Apostolic Genius, the "phenomenon resulting from...real experiences of God, types of expression, organizational structures, leadership ethos, spiritual power, mode of belief, etc" (pg 78). But before he gets too far, he spends a little time talking about what he means exactly by the term missional. While recognizing that mission and missional have been somewhat overused and misused, he can't seem to bring himself to simply dismissing the terms in the hopes of better descriptors. Instead, he wants to readdress them and pack them with deeper meaning. He says,

...in my opinion it [the term missional] goes to the heart of the very nature and purpose of the church itself. So, a working definition of missional church is a community of God's people that defines itself, and organizes its life around, its real purpose of being an agent of God's mission to the world. In other words, the church's true and authentic organizing principle is mission.

- Hirsch, 82 (emphasis mine)

Then he sets out to describe those six common elements present in mDNA. The first is what he calls a christocentric monotheism - expressed simply in the statement, "Jesus is Lord." In other words, whatever form a church takes, this is the foundation - the heart of the matter. A church can never become that agent of God's mission to the world without first and foremost being centered on Christ. Hirsch writes,

What does all this practically mean for those seeking to recover Apostolic Genius in the life of the community of God? For one, it will involve (re)engaging directly the central confession of "Jesus is Lord" and attempting to reorient the church around this life-orienting claim...I have become absolutely convinced that it is Christology, and in particular the primitive, unencumbered Christology of the NT church, that lies at the heart of the renewal of the church at all times and in every age.

- Hirsch, 99

I couldn't agree more. More to come in future posts...

Fall quarter is just around the corner

My books came today for my class this fall: Systematic Theology 2: Christology and Soteriology. I'm looking forward to getting started again after having the summer off, but these books look serious:

A great quote

This quote is at the end of Len's post I referred to earlier. I need to read this often. How about you?

“The cliff edge of our anxiety about the future may indicate that God is calling us to a new and different level of faith. When we walk, praying for guidance, to the edge of all the light we have and breathlessly take the first step into the foggy mystery of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen: either God will provide us with something rock-solid to land on and stand on, or he will teach us how to fly.” The Crime of Living Cautiously, 137

The Challenge of Large Churches

This is a great post about some of the pitfalls of large churches...it's a little long but worth it. Thanks Len!

The Agony of Defeat

Today, Sunday, September 14, 2008, at approximately 5:00pm on the North Ranch Community Tennis Courts, my friend, Kevin, beat me for the first time by a score of 6-4.

I was defeated.

There will be no living with him now...

Unexpected divergence

I realized something this morning as I was walking. It seems like the closer I get to God these days, the farther away I feel from my church. What is up with that?

Certainly it's a combination of internal changes in my own heart plus changes in our community. Here's one very recent example. Last Sunday, about 15 minutes before the service began and I was to speak, I heard something which really caught me off-guard. I pushed it aside in the moment to focus on the service, but that afternoon it resurfaced in my mind and turned me a little upside-down. Then I had lunch with one of our two senior pastors on Monday to make sure I had heard correctly and, if so, to express my concern. And, yes, I heard correctly. And, no, nothing would likely be done about it. And, yes, it's a big deal for me. He understood my concern and validated my feelings about it. Then we talked about living in that kind of tension when we don't agree with each other or decisions that are made. And about how that is one of the things we are striving for in our church. Living in the tension. Even if it's over values - not just theology or philosophy or ministry.

Ok, so pause that for a minute and let's go back to the whole missional/attractional church thing. Our church is very much an attractional church - meaning, we put a lot of energy into trying to get people to come to our Sunday morning service. In fact, I would say that most of our resources (time, money, effort) go towards pulling off a great Sunday service. And often we do. Beyond that, we offer serving opportunities for people to get involved either in our church or in the broader Tucson community. But that is sparse, at best. Now please don't hear me wrong. I am not bashing the attractional church paradigm. I grew up in this paradigm!

In a missional church, though, service to the community is not a ministry of the church or a program of the church. It is the church. Everything is focused and expressed through being a missional movement in the larger community. Emphasis is placed on the church going out instead of trying to get others to come in. In my opinion, the two paradigms are 180 degrees apart. And for me, as I've said before, I'm having more and more difficulty seeing church any other way than as a missional movement of people loving God and loving their neighbors.

So as I wonder what that kind of missional church might look like and how it would operate, I often struggle with what church gatherings should be. Should a missional church still meet every Sunday? And if so, for what purpose? And I often think that, for a missional church that is living, working, and playing in it's mission field, a regular gathering should be a type of break or time-out. It should be a time of refreshment, encouragement, rest. A time when we would come together to talk, laugh, cry, share, support, reflect, celebrate and get ready for whatever comes next. But a time of tension? No, I don't think so. There's already enough tension in life. Tension at work, at home, at school, and in relationships. Tension caused by hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, sickness, and death.

As I think about my church trying to foster an environment of differences, to celebrate those differences, and to live in the tension of disagreements - even over big things - I'm beginning to ask myself this simple question: Why? For what purpose?

Again, please don't hear something I'm not saying. I'm not saying we should be a Stepford church where everybody acts the same, thinks the same, or does the same thing. How boring would that be? There will always be differences. But, shouldn't there be some common ground, some common values, some common mission that brings us together and moves us forward?

When I consider what areas in my life are causing me the most stress, the most tension, the answer is clear: my church. How do I celebrate that? What am I missing in all of this?

September 11

I got to work early that day, after listening to a CD all the way there. When I walked in to a mostly empty office area, one of my co-workers stood up and asked me - I'll never forget his words - "Are we safe here?" I had no idea what he was talking about, but soon learned of what was unfolding. Working for a defense contractor who builds and stores missiles for the US Government, his question began to make sense.

I remember trying to get some work done, but spent most of the morning huddled with others in shock around a small TV in a break area. I left early and spent the evening hugging my family as we watched our country being changed forever.

I've been to Ground Zero twice since then. The first time was...well, let's just say we cried a lot. The second time (about 9 months ago) was better. Now it looks mostly like a construction site. But I was still filled with feelings of loss and sadness.

We will never forget.

Made it through

The service went well this morning. I don't want to say anything about riding a bicycle because that would sound very cliche-ish. But, I was relaxed and only had to refer to my notes a handful of times (I've been working on reducing my dependence on my notes.) Thank you, God.

However, I need to think a lot (still) about doing this again. I really struggled with getting this ready. Not because of the subject, but because of changes internally. I love talking about the Psalms, especially about praying the psalms. But my motivation level to prepare a sermon was pretty low, and I had over a month to prepare! Therefore, it was not very sermon-like. I'm just not sure anymore if this is what I should be doing, or if this is where I should be doing it - whatever "it" is.

In the meantime, I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. My morning walks (almost every day now, interspersed with some jogging) have become very special times. I'm reading The Divine Hours every morning and evening and praying the psalms. I have begun to look forward to these times of walking and praying much more than I would have ever anticipated. They are definitely putting me in a place where God can transform me, as Richard Foster writes.

I have no idea where God is leading me through all of this, but that's ok.

I'll find out along the way...

Catching up

A lot has been happening lately, and, in all honesty, I just haven't felt like taking the time to write. But the mood hit me tonight, so here's a recap of the past several days.

Mom spent a couple of days in the hospital this past weekend. She had some sort of intestinal issue which really knocked her down. But she came home Monday and is doing much better.

Besides that, our long holiday weekend was good. On Friday I purchased the most awesome car stereo in the world for my zoom-zoom! It plays MP3/WMA CDs, and has an aux port for MP3 players, built-in iPod controls, and a USB port. So for $30, I bought an 8GB thumb drive and now I can listen to pretty much my entire library of music in the car! (This was an early birthday present for me after my factory car stereo decided to eat a CD on Thursday.)

Kim and I almost made it to the first Arizona football game of the season on Saturday. After the game was delayed for an hour due to lightning, and then the call from Mom at urgent care, we called it a night. Arizona won 70-0 over Idaho, so it wasn't much of a game anyway. Yeah, 70 to nothing!

We spent Sunday afternoon with our best friends at their house, eating, drinking, and watching our kids play. It was great fun and very relaxing.

I've been busy preparing to speak this Sunday at church. I'm going to talk about praying the Psalms (a favorite subject of mine) while praying that God will give me the words to say! It's been almost two years since I taught, and I've had more than a little difficulty preparing for this one. In hindsight, I was not ready to do this again, given everything that has happened in these two years and where my journey is taking me. But, by God's grace, we'll make it through.

Now it's time to try to catch up on some sleep...

Walking Images

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love... more